The Myth of Emotional “Control”
Let go of this sense of control and image of “strength” in order to find true peace.
I’m sure many of you have heard phrases like “suck it up” or “get over it” at some points in your life.
These phrases are used to discourage people from showing any type of sensitivity, instead encouraging what would seem to be emotional “control”.
You may even carry some not-so-fond memories of times you were scolded or even punished for showing such sensitivity.
If you’re anything like me, you internalized these things and learned at some point that crying is “bad” and something to be ashamed of – especially if in front of people.
Again, though, if you’re anything like me, you’ll find that this whole “not crying” thing is actually impossible and really just another annoying societal rule that does nothing but make you feel unnecessarily bad about yourself.
Maybe your parents or seemingly “strong” people in society put the idea into your mind that crying is a sign of weakness, but really this is just them projecting their own silly fears and insecurities onto you. Just like their parents and/or society probably did to them before.
It is a cycle that keeps going and going, from generation to generation. But all is not hopeless. There is a way to change something in the cycle. And this change can start with you.
Breaking the Cycle of “Strength”
We are taught that this restraint of emotionality is a form of strength. Letting out anger may even be portrayed in a better light than letting tears fall. Often one would choose an angry outburst rather than a sad one when it comes to matters of pride.
But overall, coming off as neutral or chill may be seen as the most “ideal” version of a so-called controlled person in our society. Somebody that doesn’t argue, doesn’t pick sides (and when they do, it’s often the popular opinion), doesn’t get emotional, and generally just doesn’t rock the boat.
Now, if this sounds like you, that’s fine. It’s been me before as well. Sometimes I still find myself trying to play the middle ground in hopes of avoiding any possible confrontation. It’s definitely the easier route, after all.
However, just because something is easy, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good — as I’m sure many of you know.
The process of quitting a bad habit or just generally trying to change from an over-indulgent lifestyle into a more disciplined one is known to be more difficult compared to simply not caring.
But when you look at the outcomes of those who didn’t care and those who did years later down the line… well, you can usually see pretty easily which of the two paid off better in the end.
Point being, simply allowing yourself and those around you to be human and emotionally expressive to an extent can do some good, compared to expecting a person to hold everything in until they inevitably explode.
I think it’s clear which path is the most beneficial when it comes to both your own mental health and those around you. So now the only matter is doing something about it.
Finding True Strength
True strength is not found in coldness and empty resilience. It is found in love and empathy. Not in heavy expectations — but an awareness and understanding of the importance of balance — and a willingness to help those around you.
Almost anybody can play the blame game, but not many can put themselves in others shoes.
Start with observing yourself more, as well as the world around you. Try to observe situations and reactions without judgement. This is a way of practicing mindfulness – a good tool in finding inner strength.
When you notice something upsets you, do not try to banish this feeling. Don’t immediately search for a vice to numb the emotion. Allow yourself to feel it. Ask yourself why you feel it. Acknowledge and accept this as best as you can. Then attempt to find a healthy release.
An example of a healthier release would be something like… you guessed it – allowing yourself to cry. Remember, this isn’t a shameful action, it’s a natural one. If you’re not there yet though, that’s okay. It takes time to let down those walls.
Another option could be to call a loved one. This show of vulnerability is not only good for yourself, but your bond. If this isn’t your cup of tea yet, perhaps just journal your thoughts a bit or simply go for a walk.
Similarly, if someone else is crying, let them cry. Don’t tell them not to— instead, tell them to “let it out”. If they want to be held (and you’re comfortable with this) hold them. If they want to vent – provide a listening, non-judgemental ear.
Overall, the point I’m trying to get across is that strength is in kindness. Even if this is something you weren’t taught growing up, it’s still something you can learn. And as you learn this, you can teach others — whether it be through words (like I am doing now) or simply through your actions inspiring others, or even both.
The ability to accept all parts of yourself — rather than suppressing and avoiding them — that is true strength. It is in the understanding that others have these parts in themselves as well, and that’s okay. That is life.
While it’s good to want to better yourself, let’s do so out of love — not hate. And when we struggle, let’s call for patience — not reprimanding. This will bring more peace and fulfillment in the end — rather than the inevitable bitterness and frustration.
“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.” — Alex Tan
